Surviving Jurassic Park for Dummies

Disclaimer: I did NOT come up with this on my own. I came across it at fanficition.net, and about fell on the floor laughing, and had to share it with everyone. I also edited it a little to remove some of the crude language to make it more child-friendly...

So, without further ado...

I. Introduction
Congratulations! You have just lost power to the electric fences in your Jurassic Park, which means that you and many of your friends, family members, investors, lawyers, etc. are now being stalked by 65-million year-old nightmares called carnivores that wish to reduce you to nothing more than a scrap between their teeth. Before doing anything else, you must admit 5 words to yourself:

1. IT

2. SUCKS

3. TO

4. BE

5. YOU

Now, that wasn't so hard to admit that you and every other human on the island may, eventually, (no matter how long it takes or how hard they try) get sliced and diced/picked up in gigantic jaws and shook like a living chew toy (the alternate ways of getting mauled depend on the size of the dinosaur) then get eaten and digested until you're nothing but a huge pile of dino-droppings, was it? Okay, now that we've got the emotional part covered, let's go over what this guide is about. This book will discuss to you, chapter-by-chapter, the obstacles that can (and most likely will) stand in between you and your objective in this twisted version of "Survivor": Getting the heck outta of here. And by the way, as you read this guide, be sure to read it in a corner.

Chapter 1. What You Should've Done Instead
What we have to do first is an insurance policy: Telling you what you did wrong so it ever happens again. First and foremost: WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING?! What kind of idiot goes to an island hundreds of miles from any land that's filled with over 200 dinosaurs, many of which are carnivores that are ticked off from the electric fences that they'll eat you the 1st chance they get?! Although he was a jerk, Ian Malcolm was right: "Life will find a way". Yeah, a way to bite your head off! Bottom line here, kids: When you see the word "real" and "dinosaurs" in the same sentence, it's a big no no, got it?

Chapter 2. Elvis (NOT The Rock star!!)
If God suddenly opened the clouds and said, "(Insert your name here), I hate you!", you might find yourself in front of one of these American predators: The notorious Tyrannosaurus Rex. Trust me when I say this: The only thing worse than being attacked by a Tyrannosaurus "Elvis" Rex is being attacked by 2 of them. If you find yourself in front of this predator, don't panic! If you follow these steps exactly, the only thing you might lose is bladder control. If you screw up just one tiny bit, it won't be a question of what you lose, but what you have left.

1. What ever you do, for pete's sake, DON'T SCREAM!

2. As soon as you're sure you know what the Rex is doing, stand
completely still-DO NOT RUN!

3. Once you're positive that he's looking the other way and that he's at
least 100 yards away, then it is okay to run to the nearest
building or gas-jeep, but do not scream!

4. To avoid a confrontation at all, simply listen for impact terms and
ripples in nearby water sources. Once you know which direction it is
coming from, run like Hades in any other possible direction. It is only
under these circumstances that you may scream for your mommy, among other
things.

Chapter 3. Snout+SailSOL

You might notice that this chapter on a certain dinosaur is relatively
short. That's because after seeing this dinosaur, the Spinosaurus, 99
times out of 100 the next thing you see will be St. Peter. The
Spinosaurus is not only slightly larger than the T-Rex (Although the
outcome in a battle between the 2 is 50/50), but he can swim, and staying
still won't save you. About the only way to know that he's coming is to
have him swallow a beeper or phone and get an eerie ring before you turn
around and realize you have to run. This book's advice, should you ever
come across this monster?

1. Pee your pants

2. Say your prayers

3. Brace yourself

4. Start Back at 1

Chapter 4. Deadly Spit-Up
This is a unique dinosaur, which is special because if you run into this one, you'll get a unique death. Say hello to the Dilophosaurus, a small carnie with a crest and a headdress and a toxic spit. If you encounter one, it is advised that you carefully get out of there. If you hear it begin to hoot, you should begin to haul some tail out of there pretty quickly. If it begins to open its mouth, hiss violently and spread a colorful frill, this guide believes that common sense will tell you to run away and have nightmares for as long as you live (which, being in the situation you are, probably won't be long). If you see it jerk it's neck back and spit deadly venom at you, it is advised that you do nothing, as you were too much of a moron to get out in the first place.

Chapter 5. Raptor Rap

I believe that the only thing stopping these dinosaurs from being worse than T-Rex or Spinosaurus is their small size. Meet the Velociraptor, a cunning, 6-foot tall walking medieval torture device. They hunt in packs, are the smartest dinosaurs out there, they've got lightning speed, sharp teeth, a 6-inch long curved claw on each foot, and a psychopathic love of bloodshed. They set traps, stalk, and trick their prey into getting ripped limb from limb. Should you encounter these lizards from Hades, here's a few tips that may have you out with 3 limbs:

1. Do not run, you stupid nincompoop!

2. Try climbing up a tree. Just in case you were wondering, TALL ones.

3. Apply the Survival-of-the-Fittest policy when trying to get away from
raptors. The more friends of yours they eat, the better your chances of
getting away.

4. Hope to heaven that a nearby, hungry T-Rex finds them more appetizing
than you.

Chapter 6. Annoying Little Buggers

Compys. The aggravating little squeakers with an attitude. One on one, these guys are easy to handle: Just step on 'em. But in large groups, these little lizards turn from annoying to killer:

1. If confronted by a single compy, do not take out your frustration
on them. They remember.

2. If a group confronts you, run, and don't fall down.

Chapter 7. The Final Obstacle

On you're way to get out of the island, to relax yourself and remind you of your goal, you and your group might want to sing this supremely calming melody to the tune of "When the Saints Come Marchin' In":

Oh, look at us!
We're idiots,
and we're gonna die!

Oh when T-Rex,
Comes stompin' in!
Oh when T-Rex comes stompin' in!
I wanna be in that helicopter;
Oh when T-Rex comes stompin'in!

That's your goal. To be in the helicopter before you become dino-chow. But that depends on one thing: Your helicopter pilot. That is, as long as he's not concerned enough about his own life not to give a flying flip whether you live or die. That's what this chapter is to prepare you for, because if your helicopter pilot bails out on you, there's only one way to get off the island alive. Wanna here the fun part? You have to figure out how!

"Start back at 1" lol